Mixed Metaphors

Mixed Metaphors

Jack (enters, shivering)  It’s cold enough to freeze the whatsits off a brass monkey…
Jill (reading a book, looks up hurriedly) You’re three sheets to the wind.  Need a square meal?
Jack (shakes head) Cold turkey. (takes off coat, sits & sighs heavily) Never rains, but it pours. C’est la vie.
Jill What’s up, doc?  Spill the beans.
Jack I’m at the end of my tether.
Jill Always look on the bright side of life. Every cloud has a silver lining.
Jack I was living the life of riley, but I burned all my bridges and now my chickens have come home to roost.  So I’ve come to face the music.
Jill You’ve strayed from the straight & narrow? Mind your Ps & Qs or you won’t have a pot to piss in. Chew the fat or I’ll box your ears!
Jack (shrugs apologetically) Once in a blue moon, I like to paint the town red.  It was a red-letter day and I’m in the black so I went to the red light district.
Jill Show your true colours, yellow-belly.  What’s the bottom line?
Jack For the love of Pete, don’t get your knickers in a twist. I’m right as rain.
Jill In a pig’s eye! Cock and bull story if ever I heard one.  Lies, damned lies and statistics, smart alec.  Wear your heart on your sleeve or the skeletons in your closet will take you to hell on a handcart!
Jack I’m eating humble pie.  There’s egg on my face.
Jill Gordon Bennett! You’ve made a right dog’s breakfast of this relationship. When push comes to shove, you’re an albatross round my neck. (cries) I wish we’d never got hitched.
Jack Cut to the chase. Is my name mud or are those crocodile tears?
Jill Can it, mister. Mark my words, I’ll take you for every last dime, lock, stock & barrel.
Jack (dramatically) The game’s up. Can’t pull the wool over your eyes.  I’m going to kick the bucket.  I’ll be pushing up the daisies in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.  Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
Jill (shocked) Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle.  You’re cashing in your chips? It’s not over till the fat lady sings.
Jack (laughs) APRIL FOOL! Got your goat and no mistake!
Jill Are you telling me porky pies or blowing smoke up my ass?
Jack I toe the line, straight from the horse’s mouth.  You’re barking up the wrong tree. (pause) Scot free or the cold shoulder?
Jill You sly old dog. I’m eating crow and no mistake.
Jack Laughter is the best medicine.  Let’s have one for the road and hit the sack – I’ve got some serious brown nosing to do.  Time we played hide the salami…pardon my French.
Jill No kidding! You got me bang to rights.  The world is your oyster.
Jack Nobody’s perfect.  By the way, keep it under your hat, but you should avoid clichés like the plague.
Jill (affectionately) Bite your tongue – you’re full of …(blackout)

 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Follow Me

Blogs, reviews, novels & stories