Mixed Metaphors
| Jack | (enters, shivering) It’s cold enough to freeze the whatsits off a brass monkey… |
| Jill | (reading a book, looks up hurriedly) You’re three sheets to the wind. Need a square meal? |
| Jack | (shakes head) Cold turkey. (takes off coat, sits & sighs heavily) Never rains, but it pours. C’est la vie. |
| Jill | What’s up, doc? Spill the beans. |
| Jack | I’m at the end of my tether. |
| Jill | Always look on the bright side of life. Every cloud has a silver lining. |
| Jack | I was living the life of riley, but I burned all my bridges and now my chickens have come home to roost. So I’ve come to face the music. |
| Jill | You’ve strayed from the straight & narrow? Mind your Ps & Qs or you won’t have a pot to piss in. Chew the fat or I’ll box your ears! |
| Jack | (shrugs apologetically) Once in a blue moon, I like to paint the town red. It was a red-letter day and I’m in the black so I went to the red light district. |
| Jill | Show your true colours, yellow-belly. What’s the bottom line? |
| Jack | For the love of Pete, don’t get your knickers in a twist. I’m right as rain. |
| Jill | In a pig’s eye! Cock and bull story if ever I heard one. Lies, damned lies and statistics, smart alec. Wear your heart on your sleeve or the skeletons in your closet will take you to hell on a handcart! |
| Jack | I’m eating humble pie. There’s egg on my face. |
| Jill | Gordon Bennett! You’ve made a right dog’s breakfast of this relationship. When push comes to shove, you’re an albatross round my neck. (cries) I wish we’d never got hitched. |
| Jack | Cut to the chase. Is my name mud or are those crocodile tears? |
| Jill | Can it, mister. Mark my words, I’ll take you for every last dime, lock, stock & barrel. |
| Jack | (dramatically) The game’s up. Can’t pull the wool over your eyes. I’m going to kick the bucket. I’ll be pushing up the daisies in two shakes of a lamb’s tail. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. |
| Jill | (shocked) Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle. You’re cashing in your chips? It’s not over till the fat lady sings. |
| Jack | (laughs) APRIL FOOL! Got your goat and no mistake! |
| Jill | Are you telling me porky pies or blowing smoke up my ass? |
| Jack | I toe the line, straight from the horse’s mouth. You’re barking up the wrong tree. (pause) Scot free or the cold shoulder? |
| Jill | You sly old dog. I’m eating crow and no mistake. |
| Jack | Laughter is the best medicine. Let’s have one for the road and hit the sack – I’ve got some serious brown nosing to do. Time we played hide the salami…pardon my French. |
| Jill | No kidding! You got me bang to rights. The world is your oyster. |
| Jack | Nobody’s perfect. By the way, keep it under your hat, but you should avoid clichés like the plague. |
| Jill | (affectionately) Bite your tongue – you’re full of …(blackout) |
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